BFFs and Big Haircuts

 Yesterday Goose and Princess L, who have been BFFS since they learned to walk, got their first haircuts. They are both six years old and neither has ever had more than a trim (or a reluctant set of bangs after some misfortune). They had some beautiful LONG hair! Each of them had at least 8 inches cut off, and they are donating it to the Pantene Beautiful Lengths program. As much as we loved E's long hair, the new "do" is so "her." Especially with the included glitter spray. Both of them are gorgeous girls, inside and out and we are so proud that their hearts were led in this direction. Goose already plans to grow her hair and donate again!

Giving Up Dreams

This is raw stuff that I'm just hoping to type out and let go. You don't even have to read any further, actually.

Today I was cleaning out the depths of our master bedroom closet. It was hideous and no, I'm not going to post before and after photos. Way back in the corner, behind the skirts from pioneer trek and my first temple dress sat The Box. I don't think even my husband knows about The Box. I guess now he does. Inside is some reminder of each dream of a child that wasn't meant to be. There are a couple of tiny outfits, one with a frog. There is a little stuffed tiger holding a blanket. There is a little hairbow and a ceramic angel. A piece of OB/GYN office stationery from 1995. Each time my heart was opened to a little one, I found something to hold onto. It helped me remember to pray and it helped me love them for however long I could. I'm probably crazy, and let me tell you, there are many more reasons to believe that. But to me, they were each a real part of our family. For a few days, for a few weeks or months, for a year or so.

There was one who would have learned to drive this year. Our Christmas baby. We never knew for sure but she was always a she to us. Aspen. Our first baby. There was a little girl in China who, in a roundabout way, led us to our Tiana. She made me brave enough to talk to J about what had been in my heart for years. There was a tiny little brown baby boy who I desperately wanted to bring home last year. That was the first time that J just came right out and said "NO" to a child. I was shocked. It didn't seem fair for my heart to be so smitten and for his to be so NOT. There was another little boy, seen frequently on this blog, again in China. For him, I fought and I argued and I prayed. And I prayed. And I prayed. For a year and more. I don't know whether I was the only one in our home pestering the Heavens on his behalf but I did a fine job of it, and a constant one. He was matched with a family who I pray daily will love him every second of the rest of his life. Because I already do. And he was the last "No" I could bear to hear. And so I gave up the dream. I Gave Up. And ever since I've felt like I failed the test that I was given by my Father in Heaven. I don't think I will ever feel like our family is complete but the little stuffed tiger goes into the box and maybe it will be the last little reminder I have to put in and close up. The hardest one for me so far. I was so sure. I know it is wrong for me to ask that these feelings just be taken away. Sometimes I get angry, railing at God for putting these feelings on my heart when I can't do a darn thing about them. It makes NO sense, what I feel and know deep down where there is no logic or finance or reluctance or thought. Just love. I hate to admit that sometimes, it isn't enough.

Dear Mr. Groundhog

You, Sir, are a LIAR! You owe me 6 weeks of Spring. Even if you start now, you cannot possibly make it up to me in time. In lieu of my missing days I will take an extra 6 weeks of fall, to be deducted from the next winter in Utah, whether or not I am present to accept it. Oh, and I've been asking around and you might want to go into hiding again. You're not a very popular guy right now. In the event of snow on or near my birthday in a couple of weeks, I will hunt you down myself and my family will enjoy a fine stew. Then I will make myself a pair of slippers from your deceitful little hide. I mean it. If you don't believe me, ask the Garage Mice.

Sincerely, Me

For you, FPM- Funeral Potatoes

Now, before my Utah friends get all uppity about their own secret family recipes, let me say this. I did not grow up here, I do not consider myself a native and I cannot claim any Pioneer ancestry. I am the Pioneer of my family! I joined the LDS church when I was 19 and made the long trek West 3 years later. Okay, we trekked in a Honda Civic with air conditioning, but you see what I'm saying, right? So this is the recipe that *I* use (honestly, not very often) and like. Feel free to add your own in the comments below. Some of my friends have been opening their blogs up this week for "Ask A Mormon" Week. Open and honest discussion, a little bit of humor and a safe place to ask all of those things that you don't know about us Crazy Mormons. Hop over HERE to ask, hop over HERE to see who is about to be inducted in to the Funeral Potato Lovers of America, and please, go make a batch of Funeral Potatoes just for me. According to a friend of mine, you can only eat these with ham, a jello salad and Lion House rolls. Don't tell on me, I like 'em with pork chops and corn, and I am not fond of jello salad, especially if it is green and/or includes carrots. I told you, NOT FROM AROUND HERE! Oh, by the way, do not make these or even read the recipe out loud if you're on a diet.

Funeral Potatoes
1 large (32 oz) bag of frozen shredded hash browns
2 cans of cream of chicken soup
1 stick butter, melted
1 pint of sour cream
1/2 c. very finely chopped onions (gotta hide them from the kids)
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese
1 1/2 c. crushed L*ys plain potato chips-you can try another kind but they won't be as good!
handful of bacon bits (optional but tasty- FP purists would never use them)
Mix all ingredients except the chips and bacon bits in a large bowl, pour into a 9x13 pan, sprinkle the chips and bacon on top and bake at 350 for about 30 minutes.